Some Ships should never Sail
by ivywrites
Summary: A collection of drabbles and one shots depicting some PJO/HOO ships that should not exist. Requests gladly taken.
1. Percy&Gaea

**A little side project, does not really have an effect on the main timeline of my stories, with Of Therapy and the Loss of Windows being a prequel to The Epitome of Stupidity and Tales of a Constipated Goose, which occur at the same time.**

 **This fic is dedicated to all the gods-awful ships that should have never existed. If you wish to have one featured, please leave it in a review :)**

 **Percy/Gaea**

 **Ew Factor: 1000/10**

Gaea:

She had lived for eons.

She had seen heroes fall and live, their lives dedicated to causes that would never matter to anyone. Their hearts falling prey to girls who would never love them back.

Their lives ruined by the Gods.

Oh, how she hated the Gods.

She had said she would kill all of them. Annihilate them. Get rid of all of their descendants and rebuild the world.

But two demigods got in the way. The two that were supposed to bring her to full power, restore her to the queen she was supposed to be.

Percy Jackson.

Annabeth Chase.

She was not supposed to fall for a boy, her own grandson, her own sacrifice.

But she did.

His beautiful green eyes, the only good thing Poseidon had passed down. His hair, a gorgeous shade of black that reminded her so much of her son Kronos.

The one that he helped destroy.

That was all behind them now. The war between her and the puny demigods over, the defeat of Olympus, and finally, the death of the last obstacle between her and happiness.

She personally killed Annabeth Chase.

XXXXX

Percy steps in, dressed in a finely tailored gray suit that he never would have chosen before. His love was standing, awaiting him.

She was the one who had spared him, made him realize that a silly demigod girl would not be enough for him.

She made him immortal, gave him powers beyond imagination, made him king of all he could see.

He leans in, and pulls Gaea into a kiss.


	2. Nico&OC

**To everyone who reviewed: Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this gross thing I have created**

 **This chapter will be Nico/OC, which might be a bit controversial because many people do create nice characters to pair up with Nico. If you are one of them, I don't mean to offend you, or if you ship any of the ships that will be in this story, I don't mean to offend you either, this is for satire purposes only.**

 **XXXXXXX**

 **Ew factor: 9.5/10**

Nico despised naps with a passion.

It was when he was most vulnerable, and today was no different. He had been sprawled out on the couch in Cabin 13, oblivious to the notoriously perfect girl at his door.

How he regretted that nap.

He was now running for his life, almost flying across Camp HalfBlood in an attempt to escape that dreaded girl, the horrible offspring of a fanfiction writer's imagination.

"Kayleigh, Stop!" He whipped his sword out, desperately cornered. Of course her name was _Kayleigh,_ no offence to anyone named Kayleigh but why? Was the best shippable name Kayleigh?

He stopped his ridiculous train of thought, and focused on the girl in front of him. She was the literal definition of perfect, but despite all the talent she was given by her author all she ever did was screech:

"NICO DARLING, OUR LOVE WILL BE ETERNAL!'"

Nico nervously swallowed. "Um, I don't think that will work out…" In a desperate escape move, he flailed his arm in the general direction of Leo, who of course was happily putting some upgrades into Festus in the corner, oblivious to how evil Kayleigh was. The arm flail was supposed to both catch his attention and an attempt to make Kayleigh understand, but it didn't work.

She pulled him into a kiss, and despite his struggling (why did the stupid fanfiction writer give her super-strength too?) had pulled him into her cabin with five minutes of struggle.

Nico was now very angrily duct taped to her wall.


	3. Octavian&His Teddy bear

**AHHH THANKS FOR THE FEEDBACK**

 **Here is a list of what is planned for now based on suggestions, and I will try to make the chapters longer:**

 **~Annabeth/Nico**

 **~Leo/Rachel**

 **~Octavian/Reyna**

 **Poseidon/Athena**

 **~Percy/Blue Pancakes**

 **~Percy/Blue Cookies**

 **~Percy/Blackjack**

 **~Kronos/Percy**

 **And just as another precaution/disclaimer, if you ship any of these no judgement, you do you, I don't mean to offend you, this is for satirical purposes only. Also same if I use your name or anything, no offence intended.**

 **Today's ship: Octavian/One of his teddy bears**

 **Ew Factor: you decide**

The comforting blue and white cardboard box would not stay intact much longer. Nor would Octavian's patience.

He ripped the box open to reveal a brown stuffed bear, attached to a little tag that said "Build-A-Bear". It's birth certificate read "Mr. Stuffykins", which Octavian had chosen himself and found quite adorable. He stared into the bears beady plastic eyes, entranced by how precious it was. He would protect this little bear forever, he decided.

From that moment on, he and Mr. Stuffykins did everything together, ignoring the laughter and glances of the other romans. They didn't understand true friendship like Octavian did. To be fair, they were only shocked that Octavian hadn't slaughtered his bear yet, but they assumed it would only be a matter of time, considering this was Octavian's fiftieth purchase from Build-A-Bear this month.

Octavian slid a red and white picnic blanket over the grass in the park, and set down his basket. He propped Mr. Stuffykins up against it, and took out two sandwiches. Grilled cheese. Mr. Stuffykins loved grilled cheese. Octavian hated it, but he would put up with it in the name of friendship.

"So Mr. Stuffykins, how was your day?"

He tugged at Mr. Stuffykin's mouth, making him talk. It wasn't that the bear couldn't talk, he just needed a little help.

Octavian mimicked a very high falsetto. "My days been great! This is a great sandwich Octavian, I love grilled cheese!"

Octavian giggled. "Why thank you Mr. Stuffykins! You flatter me." He giggled again.

They spent the rest of the day discussing various topics and sipping lemonade. When he was sure Mr. Stuffykins wasn't looking, Octavian spit out his grilled cheese. It tasted like dirt.

The next day, Octavian skipped out of his cabin merrily, whistling the tune of Yankee Doodle. He had been having a good morning so far, he had accidently left Mr. Stuffykins out in the park but luckily someone had found him.

That someone was Reyna.

And in her arms was the traitorous Mr. Stuffykins.

How dare his beady eyes stare up at her with such joy? How could his little furry arms raise up at her face with so much love?

Octavian had went from overjoyed to furious in a matter of seconds. His best friend had betrayed him for that good for nothing praetor!

He snatched the bear out of Reyna's hands, and marched right back to his cabin.

A common saying popped into his head, "if you love something set it free."It rang through his head as he brought the knife down.


	4. Annabeth and Nico

**Annabeth/Nico: (AU in a coffee shop, ooc everyone)**

 **Song I listened to while writing this: Dollhouse by Melanie Martinez**

7 P.M. Nico boredly scrubbed at the counter, making soapy circles with his washcloth. He wished his shift would hurry up and be over, but the clock was firmly moving at its regular pace. Who even ordered coffee at 7 anyway?

Just as he was about to pull out his phone and text someone, a tall blonde rushed through the door, hair unflustered by the wind outside. She was wearing an unusual amount of makeup and a dress with a neckline that was almost indecently low. Nico politely refrained from stareing and asked for her order.

Instead of ordering, she leaned in very closely and whispered, "You're cute. I'm Annabeth."

She smelled like expensive perfume. Nico was taken aback by how close she was, and felt the urge to whip out a safety pin and tell her to pin her dress back together, because it was _distracting._ He didn't know why, but it felt wrong, seeing both men and women wear more revealing clothing. Not that he was a prude, he couldn't care less what anyone wanted to wear, but it was just _off_ , like they was wearing the wrong clothes. His friends joked that he was practically born in the 1930's.

Focusing back on Annabeth, he said, "I'm Nico, as you can tell." He awkwardly tapped the nametag on his polo shirt. "Now seriously, what would you like to order? I recommend the cookies, our coffee is kind of sucks." He knew he was supposed to promote his own job, but honestly, they had terrible coffee.

She giggled, an airheaded laugh that seemed fake. "Can I order you? Come on, let's go." With that, she pulled him out the door, and suffocated by her perfume, all he could do was follow her out to her car.

Walking out the door, they bumped into a boy with sea green eyes and dark hair, but neither Nico nor Annabeth turned and noticed his appearance. They kept on walking, or half dragging.

The boy however, turned and looked at who had bumped into him. He was angry, not because they hadn't apologized for nearly tripping him, but for some reason the couple just looked _wrong._ He had never seen them in his life, so he felt silly judging them.

Ignoring the strange incident, he went home, took a good shower, and called his girlfriend Gaea.


	5. Percy and Athena

**Athena/Percy**

 **UltimanteFangirl5000: Thank You :)**

 **ObeliskX: I will immediately write that**

 **Please review, because I am in great need of feedback.**

 **Song: Sippy Cup by Melanie Martinez**

For the first time ever, Percy was jealous of Nico di Angelo. All the Mary-Sues that he faced were nothing compared to the terror he was running from now. As much as it sucked to be chased by girls who could run at the same pace as a cheetah, at least Nico understood what he was facing.

Percy wasn't as lucky.

His Reeboks were wearing thin as he ran for his life, Riptide a useless pen in his pocket, because everyone sane knew that the person he was running from would not be defeated by a sword. However, since the war against Gaea ended, he had managed to rejoin teenage life, and part of that was being able to text in any situation.

 _Grover: I'M BEING CHASED BY ANNABETH'S MOM HELPPPPP_

Percy had decided that the time was too dire to be using emojis. He continued his epic sprint through the park hoping that Grover's status as Lord of the Wild would help out somehow. He was nearly out of breath, and Athena was gaining on him. Percy collapsed, and everything went-

Gray?

*The day before*

Percy should have found it suspicious when Annabeth told him she had gotten an Iris Message from Athena stating that she wanted to meet Percy's mortal parents. It was even worse when Athena showed up at the Jackson-Blofis household wearing a glittery, gold, very _un-Athena_ gown that was barely covering the necessary parts. She then proceeded (to Annabeth's horror) strut to thee dining table in a manner similar to either a pirate dying of a stab wound or Aphrodite after one too many drinks. She had clearly not worn heels before.

Paul and Sally kept their forced smiles and they commenced their meal.

Annabeth's face was red in embarrassment horror the entire short, but awkward dinner. Paul and Sally, bless their souls, were the courteous people they always were, but Athena kept asking questions about Percy. Not normal parent to parent questions, but things like "Can I see Percy's swim team pictures?" and then proceeding to loudly wolf whistle at them.

Percy looked ready to die. Annabeth looked ready to die taking down her mother. Finally Athena was graciously shoved out the apartment and promised to visit again soon. Sally waved her away with a smile, which turned into a frown the minute she closed the door.

"She was sexualizing my son!"

Paul was puzzled. "I didn't think Olympians acted like that. " He shrugged and went to watch an obscure documentary on the creation of the Prius.

Sally was still ranting as Annabeth dragged Percy into his room and started yelling louder than Percy. "My mom was hitting on you!" Percy confusedly shrugged. Though the compliments were odd, he didn't think it was that weird.

"She was just being nice to me after years of open hatred. Maybe her and my dad's rivalry is over." Annabeth threw a pillow at the wall. "You don't get it." With that she left.

Percy sighed. He knew Annabeth knew that he understood what her mother was doing. He had just decided that Athena being overly nice was better than Athena wanting him dead.

He was barely asleep when, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a golden mist trickle in through the open window. Deciding the wind was playing tricks on his eyes, he tried to go up and close it.

Too late. Athena suddenly appeared on top of him, still wearing the cooed, "Now I know why Annabeth chose the Poseidon boy. Too bad you're _mine."_

There was only one thing to do. Percy shoved the immortal goddess off of him, jumped out of his window and ran.


	6. Percy & Blue Cookies

**Percy/Blue Cookies**

 **Shrekerino: Thank you :)**

 **UltimanteFangirl5000: I've recently started listening to her, so yeah, I like her :)**

 **Song: Wild, Troye Sivan ft. Alessia Cara**

The plate sat on the table, untouched. A note on flowery stationery sat next to it, bearing the message "For Percy, remember the impossible is always possible" in Sally's perfect cursive. Percy's mouth salivated at the image of the luscious blue cookies filled with creamy chocolate chips. Quickly, he poured out a glass of milk.

He took a cookie in his hand, and admired it in the fluorescent light of the kitchen lamp. Percy began reciting a poem he had composed in Algebra for his one true love.

 _O lovely blue cookie,_

 _How I long to hold thee,_

 _How I long to savor the crisp perfection of thee,_

 _How I wish to bring thee to the mouth of mine,_

 _And enjoy the taste of a perfect cookie._

Percy shrugged. He wasn't much of a poet. He went on to admire the plate of cookies that his mother had so lovingly made, caressing them all in his hands one by one. He fondly remembered back to the days when Smelly Gabe was unfortunately so very alive, and how he and his mother had stood up to him. Paul was a huge improvement.

Finally, after an hour of admiration, the cookies were no longer warm and were starting to crumble. Percy didn't mind though. His mother had taught him that love was more than just liking someone's outer appearance, it was staying with them forever for their personality. He had the same regard for the cookies. It didn't matter if they were no longer fresh out of the oven, he still loved them with all his heart.

He could wait no longer. "Farewell my love! We shall meet again tomorrow afternoon."

The plate of cookies and glass of milk were downed in less than five minutes.


	7. Bianca and Nico

**Make me a Robot, Tessa Violet**

 **Bianca/Nico AU where Bianca survives and is not a hunter, also they are in their twenties**

 **UnicornsAreDeadly: Thank you, follow button x favorite button is a great idea, but i dunno if fanfiction allows that, so i might put that on my wattpad**

 **We're All Okay: Challenge Accepted.**

 **The Original Crybaby: definitely, that is on my list of to do ships**

 **Azure Moonlight: They'll be added to my list**

 **Amy: that was fun to write, thank you!**

 **Animaljam: glad you enjoyed it**

 **Lunarchroniclesandcockatiels: yes leo x katie will be here soon**

*caution grossness ahead it might ruin the two best characters in the series for you*

Hades checked his new rose gold iPhone 6s plus. One notification, a missed FaceTime call from Bianca. He shrugged, might as well call her back.

"Hi dad!" Bianca exclaimed. Hades frown-smiled. He enjoyed being called dad, but the problem with having been a frowny old grouch for millennia was that transitioning to a mildly smiley guy was difficult. Persephone had grinned and said his smiles were coming along wonderfully, but he wasn't sure if he could trust her judgement, seeing as she let him make all those terrible fashion choices in the 1980's.

Nico showed up, and they exchanged small talk, Hades played the "causal dad", but he was secretly trying to decipher everything he could see in the fuzzy background. Hmm, Bianca had repainted her walls a classy shade of grey, she seemed to be wearing a new shirt, Nico was wearing unfortunately ugly jeans…

Were those rings on their hands?

Bianca waved a bit to him through the phone. "Dad, are you still alive?" Hades quickly moved himself out of his state of shock.

"Yes of course, Gods don't die. Now tell me, are those rings on your fingers?"

Bianca squealed. 'YES ME AND NICO ARE GETTING MARRIED!"

Hades choked. It was an unattractive choke, the type that he generally tried to avoid.

However, his entire "causal dad act" was falling apart. He spluttered and choked again.

"Why?" Bianca looked offended. "We're in love. It's not weird either, plenty of god and goddess siblings get married. I thought you'd be happy. Also, you're married to your niece."

By now Hades was completely red in the face and choking down water that Persephone had calmly handed him. Even the nice demented soul adorning the glass he was drinking out of didn't make him feel better. "But you're demigods! And full siblings! That's _gross and wrong_! What if you have kids!?"

Nico scoffed. "Tell that to Hera and Zeus. And like Bianca said, Persephone's still your niece. And what's wrong with slightly inbred kids? You're pretty sane, considering you originated from a sibling marriage."

Hades could argue no longer. "Well kids, I suppose whatever makes you happy will make me happy. I won't interfere with your life. If you're in love, so be it. As long as you two treat each other well, I will always support you. I love you both."

Bianca and Nico beamed. "Thanks dad! We love you too." They exchanged goodbyes and Bianca ended the call.

As soon as it was over, Hades retched and vomited on the ground. Persephone looked up and frowned. "Honey, the trash can's in the kitchen. You're ruining the carpet." Hades remembered how they were related, and quickly ran to the kitchen.

In Bianca's apartment, far far away, Bianca and Nico fell over laughing. "Can you believe he actually fell for it?!" An uncharacteristic laugh graced Nico's lips. Bianca had tears running down her cheeks from laughing. "He didn't even check his calendar. It's April Fools Day." They high-fived, and Nico headed off for a date with Leo.


	8. Leo and Rachel

**NekoRyuuKo: yes I take requests, but I have a lot right now so it might take awhile**

 **Ultimantefangirl5000: I like to not think about that because the whole percabeth ship gets ruined when Percy's more or less Annabeths uncle**

 **SeaGreenLightning: YESSS KRONOS/ANNABETH (literally a new level of gross)**

 **Flirtwithmeudie: honestly for me writing the last sentence was the best part because i could reassure myself it was fake**

 **IF YOU READ THIS PLEASE REVIEW I LIKE CRITICISM TEAR MY STORY APART PLEASE, ALSO PLEASE GIVE ME IDEAS ON KRONOS AND PERCY BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE ON HOW THEY SHOULD GO**

 **Lost Boy by Troye Sivan**

 **Rachel/Leo**

"Have we ever even shared a conversation before?" Leo flipped through the thick volumes, pouring over the words. He finally had a look into the thoughts of his friends on their perilous quest.

He wasn't sure why he just used the word perilous in a serious thought. Jason was rubbing off on him too much.

Rachel flipped through the books as well, though not with the same care as Leo. "Do you think objectively we might have had a conversation between an ambiguous stretch of time at camp?" Leo shrugged. "I don't even know what half of that means."

They continued reading for a good few hours, still not finding any evidence of interaction between the two. Leo even flipped through an older series, though he knew he literally did not exist during that time. He did find it interesting being in Percys head 24/7 though.

Finally Rachel had enough. "Leo, you can pay the library fine later." Leo glanced up confusedly, only to see Rachel whip out a mint green sharpie and write "LEO AND RACHEL MAKE OUT FOR A WHILE BECAUSE NOWHERE IN THE RULES DOES IT SAY THE ORACLE CANNOT TOUCH LIPS WITH OTHER PEOPLE" in the end pages of _The Blood of Olympus._

Leo shrieked and nearly flipped Buford over, who had innocently been standing by, acting as a bookstand. With an angry flip of what would have been a shoulder had Buford been human, the table angrily exited the room in a strut that would have made Drew Tanaka proud.

"RACHEL YOU MESSED UP MY FAVORITE BOOK ALSO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE MESS UP THE BOOKS RIGHT-"

Too late. He was pinned to the wall by a _very_ forward Rachel.


	9. Nico and Nancy

**Um, hi guys. It's been a while, but I'm alive. Personal reasons and school basically formed a very long writers block, but I'm still hoping to get back into the swing of writing.**

 **Castle on the Hill- Ed Sheeran**

 **Nancy Bobofit/Nico DiAngelo, Coffeeshop AU 2**

Nico looked up from his sketchbook. He hadn't really been in the moment, the antique clock read nine p.m., and his pumpkin spice latte had gotten cold. No big deal, he was allergic to pumpkins anyway.

He had just been so immersed in his work, pencil scratching across the paper, letting himself go on autopilot.

Who was the mysterious girl he was drawing? She had been popping up everywhere, her face stuck in his mind. She wasn't conventionally attractive, but had that kind of ferret-faced appeal that made Nico swoon. Essentially a Donald Trump with long, red hair.

The barista's inappropriately high heeled stilettos clicked eerily as she sauntered her way over to Nico's little table in the corner. The shop was empty, as nine at night was an odd time to be out putting more caffeine in one's system. Her face grew into a leer as she approached him.

"Hey baby, the shops closing soon. You gotta go." She pulled out a chair, and sat down with the least grace Nico had ever seen. Still cute though, he thought. She continued, "But I don't want to kick you out. You're here all the time, aren't you? Nico diAngelo, am I right?" A manicured nail tapped him lightly on the nose.

Nico turned a bit red. "Yeah, that's me. Always here." Nancy turned her attention to his drawing. "Aw, is that me? You're so good at drawing!" Her teeth were still barred in that creepy smile that Nico found so attractive. He shrugged. "I'm okay. You know what, why don't you come back to my place? I'll draw you better there." Nancy giggled, a high pitched, shrill noise that sent a few pigeons outside the coffeeshop flying.

"Okay, while we're at it, I just had a crazy thought. Let's get married!" Nico thought for a second. "Sure, why not. I knew from the moment I saw you two weeks ago that we were meant to be. I love you with all my heart, Nancy whatever-your-last-name-is."

Personally, Nancy had spotted his expertly tailored T-shirts and made the assumption that a guy who could afford to get his T-shirts tailored must have a lot of money lying around, but she faked happiness very easily when they made their way to Nico's lamborghini.

One week later:

Jason:

It was three in the morning, and Jason was not expecting a call from Percy. He groggily pulled himself out of his bed and walked over to the other side of his room, because Jason was one of those people who kept their phone on the opposite side of the room. Thank goodness he lived in an AU too, as his phone would have rendered him dead had he been canon Jason.

"Sup Perce, what's bothering you so early in the morning?" Percy's voice on the other end was panicked. "Where's Nico been?" Jason shrugged, then realized Percy didn't see him. "He and some girl named Nancy Bobofit eloped to Mexico, didn't he tell you?"

Percy screamed. "NANCY BOBOFIT?!" Shortly afterwards there was a loud crashing noise, and the line went dead.

Jason shrugged and went back to bed.


End file.
